On my way driving to work today a thought popped into my head, a thought that probably hasn't happened very often, especially this last year.
Today is going to be OK.
I thought it, and I felt shocked, embarrassed, maybe even a little scared. My usual reaction would be QUICK, get rid of it. But I didn't, instead, I went with it, dug a little deeper and asked myself, why?
Why am I feeling like that today?
I'm not going to divulge my entire story, cause lets be honest, nobody needs to hear that. But for a period of time there I really thought this thing, being a person, had gotten the better of me and I really didn't want to do it anymore.
But I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by beautiful people and the access to what I needed to get back on top. I owe a lot to those people, and I try and let them know that as much as I can and will continue to, because they deserve that.
But today is probably the first day that I truly believe that I owe a little as well, to myself.
God it erks me to write that, to think it, to feel it, but I'm trying to let myself believe it.
But I'm working really hard and I feel today that its starting to pay off.
If you asked me if I was happy, I'd probably say no? But that's ok?! Because I'm working towards it, and today it feels reachable.
No, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (and at 24 it REALLY feels like I should know).
No, I have no idea where I'll be in 5 years.
No, I don't feel like I'm doing everything right.
But today I feel like I could maybe find out? Yep, its super scary, but it doesn't feel like the kind of scary that I need to get into bed and drown myself in a sea of sheets.
So I'm writing this for myself, a reminder, an achievement, a helping hand, to let myself know to keep moving forward.
On a more positive note, I started a Tumblr today.
M xx
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